I suppose this is quite a confessional post, really. I actually wanted to not post this here so that my last journal could live on the page foreverrrr, but sadly my mother seems to have added me on EVERY SINGLE OTHER vaguely-social-networking site I use. She's everywhere, watching me. Except here! Hurray! Thus, I will pour out my sins.

Basically, life's not going so well and sometimes you just need to write something down to understand it. That's how I feel, anyway. I'm several days behind on NaNo and risk not meeting the deadline - a lack of inspiration to write being something that has never happened to me during NaNo, and very very very rarely outside of this particular month, so something quite serious for me. When I manage to sit down and write I can do two or three or sometimes even four thousand words in a day, but it's getting there that's the problem. I'm sleeping a hell of a lot because I'm so tired from being stressed all the time, and I keep swinging between eating loads and not eating anything for whole days. Then there's the whole vacantly staring at walls and randomly bursting into tears thing. Basically, I'm a mess, and this morning I woke up with a decision made that will hopefully make everything better.

Tomorrow I'm going to summon up my courage, which will be hard as I'm terrified, and call my mother to tell her I want to drop out of uni. Hopefully her response will not include the words 'never step foot in my house again', and I shall go home this weekend. (As soon as possible, really, because I've run out of shampoo, and my hair is very high-maintenance). (That was only partially in jest).

Thing is, I don't fit in here. Not in the way of making friends, because I've done that, but I just mean in the way of the lifestyle. A lot of things happened to me this summer that made me grow up very quickly, and take life a lot more seriously and a lot less for granted. Then I come here and everyone's living the freshers lifestyle, partying hard and turning up to lectures still drunk and playing ridiculous pranks on each other in the early hours of the morning. Maybe if the summer hadn't happened I would have been able to join in, but it all feels like a childish waste of time. Of course I'm not one to stay indoors all the time with a cup of hot chocolate and some nice cosy M&S slippers, I do indeed enjoy a night out, but I also have irrevocably realised that there is a time and a place for everything, and if I want to succeed this is not it. I miss my home, I miss living in the country. I hate living in a town, especially so close to London - it seems like even the air isn't clean, and I can't see the stars at night because of all of the streetlights. Little things, but really important.

At the end of the day what it boils down to is this - I don't need to spend thousands and thousands of pounds to be miserable when I could do it at home for free. I realise now that the places I thought this course would lead me to will still be just as far away once I graduate. You can take as many courses as you like but no one teaches talent, and that's something I've got, so excuse me while I go use it for a change instead of hiding and being all shy and quiet. I only came here because everyone thought I would, and I know everyone expects me to leave with a first, so just for once I'm going to do what I want to do instead of what's expected and giving me a mental breakdown.

This sounds a lot more empowered than I feel >.> I'm very very nervous about tomorrow. I guess all I can do is hope everything is alright. Now I have to go try and write this much for NaNo. Me and my stupidly pressurising projects...